Yenta Killers on Retarded Acrobats

Proving that we are better than everyone else is an intrinsic need predtaing the dawn of civilization. No matter what the accomplishments of our contemporaries may be, we all constantly strive to diminish those accomplishments with some success of our own.  Some might call this competitive theory or survival of the fittest.  I believe we’re all just a bunch of insecure assholes with little to no confidence in where we’ve been or where we’re going; and we seek only to divide and conquer.  To that end, we create new and ever changing metrics for success.

For instance, one emerging metric of success for the enormously wealthy is space tourism.  This could be succinctly described as the desire of a hugely wealthy asshole seeking to use his wealth for an orbital ride on around the globe on a spaceship.  Large amounts of money, time and resources are spent MIR-ly (haha) to launch this one rich asshole from a relic Soviet rocket launchpad into the vast, inifinite space that surrounds our comparatively insignificant planet.     

Why?  Because he’s fucking better than you and he’s an asshole.  Once his fat bald head is propelled into universal emptiness, he has proven the superiority of his life over yours.  You may have a picture of yourself shaking hands with Obama, praying with Mother Teresa, or licking Ghandi’s asshole…but THIS guy has been to fucking space!  Holy Shit!  Your kid made honor roll?  This dude pissed in a bag in space.  You made it to round 3 of Real World try-outs?  This dude ate dehydrated caviar and powdered champagne in space.  You spent $183,000 on a PhD?  This guy was disappointed when he found out he couldn’t smell his own old champagne farts in his spacesuit while he was in fucking space!

I have a better idea for measuring success.  The most important metric, to me, is the influence you can have upon others.  Basically, the ease with which you manipulate the insecure assholes around you.  Specifically, by getting them to let you do whatever you want to do.  What might I have in mind?  Punching out dogs!

…..Stay with me!

I’m not talking about walking into people’s homes and punching their beloved household pet in the face.  I’m not even suggesting you find a stray dog on the street and greet it with a roundhouse kick to the head.  I think the best method is to find a kill shelter and slip a couple bucks to the euthanizer-on-duty for just 5 minutes to punch out a dog that’s gonna die anyway.

Don’t kill the dog…just punch it a bit.  Life is fair, the dog can fight back if it’s healthy enough.  Chances are that if it’s been at a kill shelter and it’s been slated to die…no one has been feeding that thing.  Food can’t be wasted on an animal that’s about to die.  Anyways, you will be one of the few who can say you punched out a dog and walked away… 

If you can swing that, then you will feel like the most powerful jerk on the planet.  Forget spending millions on orbiting the globe from space.  — You got to punch out a dog! Congratulations!

Stay out of space, punch a dog!