Yenta Killers on Retarded Acrobats

If you’re making a new years resolution to lose weight, quit smoking, stop drinking or say no to drugs…you are DOOMED. 

The first thing you plan to do when the clock strikes 12am on January 1 2010 is put down your little hostess cakes, throw away your cigarettes, pour out your champagne glass or…well…okay, you probably finish your joint or finish pushing that last bit of heroin into your vein….I mean…that shit is expensive and you got it just for your friend’s party…and why shouldn’t you get to finish that shit.  I mean, you prolly had to take a bus to the shitty side of town and fake small talk with some drug dealing loser for 20 minutes when all you really wanted to do was give him more money than you expected for less drugs than you expected….because he’s a jackoff making money off of someone else’s vices….plus he screws you on his rigged bullshit scale (if you can get the fucker to weigh it in front of you…but then he’ll think you don’t trust him and next time he’ll really fuck you)

What you are actually doing when you make these resolutions is giving yourself a two-week window of time to realize what a fat, chain smoking, alcoholic or druggie you are and always will be…..

Imagine how lame 2010 will be when you realize you can’t do what brings you joy….imagine how much fun 2010 would be if you could just eat what you want, have a cigarette break when your boss is a dick, have a beer after work or just get a little high when you’ve had a bad week…

Your problem is that you need to do what you love in moderation.  Quitting shit cold turkey doesn’t do a fucking thing for you and the media is quick to sell you on the prospect of starting over every new year.  Here’s an update:  There are no do-overs… “This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.” - Fight Club

Every minute of your life in the past has led you to now and you cannot change all of that at midnight on New Years morning.  We all have to start accepting what we are and giving ourselves the chance to be what we are without killing ourselves..

try some New Years solutions instead of resolutions:

If you’re fat, just get your fat ass on a treadmill 3 times a week…eat what you want, but don’t stuff yourself….or you’ll die

If you’re smoking, you gotta know by now that you can’t do that shit all the time.  Have a cigarette when you need one instead of when you want one.  Take it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself…”I feel like I need a cigarette when…”  Wow…I learned my job makes me smoke a shitload of cigarettes…maybe I need a new job….get it?

If you drink too much alcohol…you need to talk to someone..that can mess you up bad.  It’s not cute and it’s not funny…and you’re not gonna get out of it yourself…have a drink and call someone for help….

If you are addicted to a drug…you need new friends.  It’s different if you are just a moderate druggie whose life doesn’t revolve around it….but if the only friends you have are the ones who come over with their own needles…you need to move (also move if they want to use your needle)

Anyways…good luck, happy new year, get over yourself…..and try not to be someone else…just be a better you (ok, year i know i suck dick)